Definition of a Real Man by Steve Beverage

When reflecting upon the aspects of what makes a real man it is difficult to overcome many of the stereotypes associated with masculinity. To answer this question for ones self it is necessary to personalize a definition of masculinity in the context of broader cultural views on men. It may be useful to first list the accepted cultural norms for what a man is and does.

Men are not supposed to cry and must stay in control of their emotions
Men are courageous and brave
Men thirst for adventure and travel
Men provide for the families through hard work and long days at the office
Men play sports or at least have a thorough knowledge of sports statistics (the shared language)
Men communicate on the surface and don’t talk about their feelings
Men fall in love with a women, get married and raise a family
Men are mechanically inclined and are capable of fixing things
Men are muscular and must maintain a masculine physique
Men are attracted to outdoor activities and hike, hunt, camp, fish etc.
Men are rough around the edges and lack sophistication in fashion and grooming
Men are protectors and will sacrifice themselves for the people they love.

Men have many resources to explore when discovering who they are and how they want to be perceived by society. Popular culture supplies us with infinite artifacts and media messages that we subscribe to in order to construct masculinity. Movies, television and advertising use male and female stereotypes to tell stories and to sell products. Sometimes we consciously adopt traits that we identify with and other times human nature adapts these influences to our personality subconsciously. All these things are unavoidable and are part of the human condition. They help place us in categories so we can have relationships with each other based on shared experience and mutual self interest.

Obviously the most important relationship a man can have is with his father. The father is a man’s first role model and is the ultimate archetype for masculinity. Some men are blessed to have fathers who guide them lovingly through the process of becoming a man. They parent with the right balance of nature and nurture to instill personal values, confidence and self-esteem. The majority of men however, had difficult, abusive or absentee relationships with their fathers leading to confusion about masculine roles. Where is a man to go for guidance when the most important model for masculinity is not equipped himself to provide any meaningful definitions for what a real man is.

My father was a good man. He had a terrific sense of humor and was charismatic with new acquaintances. A drinking problem plagued him for most of his adult life and ultimately led to reasons for a divorce between he and my mother. Opportunities for bonding and learning important lessons from my father were now only available on weekends. Our activities usually consisted of a movie and lunch with some time spent in the video arcade. Occasionally we would go canoeing or horseback riding and of course certain holidays meant visits with his family. But I don’t have strong memories of my father being attentive to my need to know I was important and that I made him proud. I wanted to know if he saw the potential in me to be something great, and I desired the encouragement to take chances while aggressively pursuing my goals. I’ve come to realize that he did the best he could to be a good father and I know that he loved me. He had his own struggles and expended much of his energy battling the demons of his own life. I never knew anything about the relationship he had with his father.

Coming to know God as my father has helped me to regain the trust in a father/son relationship. I will need this trust as I move forward preparing to be a father myself to a son I will name. I will continue to draw upon the strength of God based on the most beautiful examples of a father/son relationship in Jesus. I am certainly very flawed but here are some personal truths I have arrived at for what a real man is.

A man owns a dog and is his best friend until he leaves this earth
A man is patient when dealing with adversity
A man is strongest when he is loved by a good woman
A man is strongest when he loves a good woman
A man is comfortable with feminine aspects of himself
A man sometimes needs to be alone to work things out for himself
A man is sometimes very weak
A man will make mistakes (a lot of them)
A man learns from his mistakes and tries desperately not to repeat them
A man listens more than he speaks
A man takes care of his yard and makes home repairs
A man is not concerned about status symbols because he knows they are not what makes him a man
A man tries to put on the clothes of Jesus everyday
A man loves God and comes to know him through Jesus Christ